Psalm 139:1-4 (NIV) “Oh Lord, You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down. You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely, my Lord.
Do You see me? Right now, God? Do you even care how I feel in this moment? How lonely, how sad, how empty? What about the torn heart seams flapping fierce in storm begging for stitching of holy needle and thread for the binding in of glory light; the hemming in safe and secure for the goodnight sleep? Do You know how over it all I am? How tired of it all I am? These were the things I said to God that day.
Sun woke soul, breathing became conscious, I got up and got to going. Boot heels hit hardwood hard and pavement and floor board not knowing where I was going but God knew.
Tears were begging for the spilling over the water line releasing pain deep where salt wounds burn.
I glanced in and out of southern lives poised perfect that day. All those red-painted smirks, fake brown leather hanging on bended arms, racing off to their Botox appointments, no time for love. I stared at my ragged reflection on store front windows. I gave a buck to a man on a street corner and pondered the purpose of my life. I sucked air in and out like a hated chore. All things around me became dull and dark until the darkness sucked me in like a vacuum sucks in dirty things.
Some days I feel like a dirty thing.
Well, what say You, God? Where on earth are You?
Mind thoughts were sinking into black hole in me deep and then it happened.
GOD. WAS. GOD.
In the midst of my ‘give-up-ness’, and my ‘what the heck is all this faith stuff for anyway-ness’. A musical miracle was on God’s horizon about to lift sun from mud in me. Note by note healing hope began to pour into hole inside and filled up the whole darn thing.
Psalm 139:7-10 (NIV) “Where can I go from Your spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths You are there, If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”
God met me at the candy store.
The moment boot heel hit candy store floor God placed the needle down on the record and the song began to play. Not just any song. It was the song that would marry me to a very special time of my life. The song Patrick and I danced to on that log.
Jesus reached mercy hand out to me and lifted heart chin. I placed undeserving hand in nail scars and the dance began.
Jesus saved breaking heart from becoming loosened of its secure foundation in God that day.
I remember when I lost balance on that log tucked away in the back wood of a North Carolina movie set. How Patrick calmed fear of the falling on ‘jagged rocks.’ With one hand tight in mine and the other lifting chin, Patrick said, “Don’t look down. Look at me, in my eyes.” And so, I did. I looked into Patrick’s eyes and he looked into mine and we stared ourselves back into safety, back into security. We stilled ourselves for a moment as if we were the only ones on set that day; no cameras, no props, no log even.
Matthew 14:27-31 (NIV) “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”…”Come”, He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith”, He said, “why did you doubt?”
I stand on God’s word and regain faith as Jesus truth balances me.
And so, me and Jesus, we swirled and we twirled passed the butterscotch and the red hots and the popcorn machine. I stared into Jesus eyes and I knew God’s got this. I wrapped wounded spirit around waist of Jesus and my body crumbled into Almighty arms and the love of God held me together. I was in the palm of the Potter’s hands. God turned my lonely around and my sad around and my empty around.
Jesus led the way. I followed Jesus.
I kept my eyes on Jesus as if He and I were the only ones in that place. No screaming kids, no tired parents, only movie song playing in spirit ears. Jesus quieted the soul of a troubled heart on that day. Every question of doubt and unbelief were silenced in the perfect rhythmic timing of God’s dance steps.
And so, Patrick and I regain balance and slowly loosen hand grip, fingertips sliding off fingertips. We look at each other one more time as if to say, ‘Are you ready?’ and we know we got this. And like a perfect scene, in a perfect movie, the music played loud in our hearts. All at once, the dirt danced free like perfect love breaking through fear and the water bubbled up happy against the ‘jagged rocks’ below us. And soon went the wiggling of the toes and the squiggling of the hips and the flapping of the arms. We danced and we pranced and we laughed our way to solid ground.
I stand on God’s word, the Author of solid ground.
Me and Jesus, we danced our way out of candy store that day where sin of fear, doubt and unbelief were forgiven, meaningless words were silenced, hope was renewed and the impeccable mercy and grace of God found me.