Diary of a God Girl

…eat slow, take small bites

The Day I Danced with God

Psalm 139:1-4 (NIV) “Oh Lord, You have searched me and You know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down.  You are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely, my Lord.

Do You see me?  Right now, God?  Do you even care how I feel in this moment?  How lonely, how sad, how empty?  What about the torn heart seams flapping fierce in storm begging for stitching of holy needle and thread for the binding in of glory light; the hemming in safe and secure for the goodnight sleep?  Do You know how over it all I am?  How tired of it all I am?  These were the things I said to God that day.

Sun woke soul, breathing became conscious, I got up and got to going.  Boot heels hit hardwood hard and pavement and floor board not knowing where I was going but God knew.

Tears were begging for the spilling over the water line releasing pain deep where salt wounds burn.

I glanced in and out of southern lives poised perfect that day.  All those red-painted smirks, fake brown leather hanging on bended arms, racing off to their Botox appointments, no time for love.  I stared at my ragged reflection on store front windows.  I gave a buck to a man on a street corner and pondered the purpose of my life.  I sucked air in and out like a hated chore.   All things around me became dull and dark until the darkness sucked me in like a vacuum sucks in dirty things.  

Some days I feel like a dirty thing.

Well, what say You, God?  Where on earth are You?

Mind thoughts were sinking into black hole in me deep and then it happened.

GOD.  WAS.  GOD.

In the midst of my ‘give-up-ness’, and my ‘what the heck is all this faith stuff for anyway-ness’.  A musical miracle was on God’s horizon about to lift sun from mud in me.  Note by note healing hope began to pour into hole inside and filled up the whole darn thing.

Psalm 139:7-10 (NIV) “Where can I go from Your spirit?  Where can I flee from Your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths You are there, If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”

God met me at the candy store.

The moment boot heel hit candy store floor God placed the needle down on the record and the song began to play.  Not just any song.  It was the song that would marry me to a very special time of my life.  The song Patrick and I danced to on that log. 

Jesus reached mercy hand out to me and lifted heart chin.  I placed undeserving hand in nail scars and the dance began.

ddfeet

Jesus saved breaking heart from becoming loosened of its secure foundation in God that day.

I remember when I lost balance on that log tucked away in the back wood of a North Carolina movie set.  How Patrick calmed fear of the falling on ‘jagged rocks.’  With one hand tight in mine and the other lifting chin, Patrick said, “Don’t look down.  Look at me, in my eyes.”  And so, I did.  I looked into Patrick’s eyes and he looked into mine and we stared ourselves back into safety, back into security.  We stilled ourselves for a moment as if we were the only ones on set that day; no cameras, no props, no log even.

Matthew 14:27-31 (NIV) “Take courage!  It is I.  Don’t be afraid.”…”Come”, He said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  “You of little faith”, He said, “why did you doubt?”

I stand on God’s word and regain faith as Jesus truth balances me.

And so, me and Jesus, we swirled and we twirled passed the butterscotch and the red hots and the popcorn machine.  I stared into Jesus eyes and I knew God’s got this.  I wrapped wounded spirit around waist of Jesus and my body crumbled into Almighty arms and the love of God held me together.  I was in the palm of the Potter’s hands.  God turned my lonely around and my sad around and my empty around.

Jesus led the way.  I followed Jesus.

I kept my eyes on Jesus as if He and I were the only ones in that place.  No screaming kids, no tired parents, only movie song playing in spirit ears. Jesus quieted the soul of a troubled heart on that day.  Every question of doubt and unbelief were silenced in the perfect rhythmic timing of God’s dance steps.

me and P dancing

And so, Patrick and I regain balance and slowly loosen hand grip, fingertips sliding off fingertips.  We look at each other one more time as if to say, ‘Are you ready?’  and we know we got this.  And like a perfect scene, in a perfect movie, the music played loud in our hearts.  All at once, the dirt danced free like perfect love breaking through fear and the water bubbled up happy against the ‘jagged rocks’ below us.  And soon went the wiggling of the toes and the squiggling of the hips and the flapping of the arms.  We danced and we pranced and we laughed our way to solid ground.

I stand on God’s word, the Author of solid ground.

sc0006041f

Me and Jesus, we danced our way out of candy store that day where sin of fear, doubt and unbelief were forgiven, meaningless words were silenced, hope was renewed and the impeccable mercy and grace of God found me.

 

Advertisements

The Driver’s Seat

Leading Role: God

Supporting Role: Me

God

Why is it, Love, you hold your hands

flat against your face? 

Don’t you know you cannot hide

your tear’s from My embrace?

  Me

 Yes, my Lord, I know this

but these tears are just plain dumb.

When I say to them stay where you are

they get smart and start to come.

  God

Tell Me now, what made you sad?  

What made your heart hurt so?  

Sniffle a sniff and catch your breath

then tell Me so I know.

  Me

Today I left for church, my Lord,

my friends were meeting me.  

I saved 3 seats up front, my Lord,

to hear that Pastor speak.  

Those red seats were filling fast,

I looked among the crowd

yet saw no sign of them

my hearty heart began to doubt.  

And then I got a text 

they would not be on their way, 

their GPS was running

nearly 40 minutes late.

God

I see my Love and I love your heart

how it beats so sweet, 

yet the thing you must remember,

I am in the driver’s seat.

Me

I am well aware You drive better than I

though the disappoint hit deep.

Sharing how that Pastor speaks of You

meant so much to me.

God

 It tickles Me so from my crown to my toes,

how your heart it leans toward Me.  

How precious your tear’s I hold in My hand

all for the sake of Me.

For it is not a loved one’s death, a sickness

or unanswered prayer you grieve

but the lack of sharing Me with your friend’s

means more than this world to Me.

The Windshield Wipers

It’s been raining alot in Nashville and I’ve been driving around with one flappy windshield wiper watching that stupid thing lash rubber against the glass for weeks now. No telling where a raindrop would get flung off too. I could still see through one small clean swipe if I ducked my chin and looked down a bit.

I’ve been on a budget lately and being a girl the last thing I want to do is pay for anything that is car related.

One guy said 40 bucks for the wipers and you need a new ignition coil and some plugs about 300 all together. Another guy said I could change the wipers myself.

So the other day I stood in the rain and tried to at least swap sides. The passenger’s side was good. The driver’s side was flappy. I tried pulling those things out and couldn’t get them to budge.  I think to myself I’ll just get some scissors and cut those flappin’ things off. 

Last night I woke up in the middle of the dark and I wondered for a moment does God really see ALL my needs?

I doubt my own faith.

That morning I get in my car and drive to Walmart all stiff and twisted questioning God. It begins to RAIN and I think how much I hate what I’m about to do.

I turn the windshield wipers on.

I look for the flaps and they’re gone and I didn’t cut them off either. I watch the wipers go back and forth, over and over and still no flap. I am in shock looking through the windshield of my car while it’s raining and seeing the trees and the road and the cars all clear.  My jaw dropped. I have new windshield wipers and I can’t take my eyes off of them.

God put windshield wipers on my car while I was sleeping.

I cried all the way to Walmart.  I took care of what I needed to take care of and as I was making my way to the exit, still in shock, a sweet black woman turned her cart around the corner and looks at me and says, “You look so tired.”

I said with my voice shaking, “I’m not tired but can I tell you something?”

“Yes.”

I told that woman everything and she listened as if I was pouring holy medicine into her spirit pores.

She hugged me hard and we cried on the corner of Aisle 11.  Her fingertips gripped tight the broken pieces of faith in me as if she was holding her own heart together determined not to lose one more piece.

She whispered in my ear, “God knows our needs and knows the perfect time to meet our needs. Praise God.” (Things like this only happen in Nashville!)

“Yes, Praise Him, I said. We broke our embrace and smiled at God’s faithfulness.

I kissed her hand and said, “Goodbye and I’ll see you in heaven.”

She nodded and went on her way.

I don’t know who God used to put those windshield wipers on my car but I do know I once was blind but now I see.

#amazinggrace

 

 

One Star

I stayed home from church one Sunday morning in 1996 and God gave me this lyric to scribble down on a yellow pad.   I find myself in this woman’s heart.  I have learned over the tumultuous years of my life that there is only One Star that can lead us out of a black night, a broken heart, a dying hope, a lost dream.  

Thank you Jesus, for being the only love and light in Whom we will always find all we ever need.  

Thank you Jesus, for leading us out of our own darkness.  

Thank you Jesus, for giving us a new perspective that changes all things and for giving us a Merry little Christmas.

Down the streets of solitude

She wanders on her own

With her dreams and carriage full

Of stuff she calls a home

She finds a quiet alley where

She settles in a storm

Through the winter wind she hears

A Voice that keeps her warm

In the light of one star she prays every night

With the faith of one heart till her eyes are dry

She holds fast to the hope that she’s thankful for

And finds all she’ll ever need in the light of one star

 At the early break of dawn

She gathers her décor

And makes her way through a crowd

That’s always wanting more

As they stare her down in disgrace

Lost in their own greed

The only load she carries

Is a prayer to set them free

In the light of one star she prays every night

With the faith of one heart till her eyes are dry

She holds fast to the hope that she’s thankful for

And finds all she’ll ever need in the light of one star

c1996 Amirante/Clewer

Barn Doors

My first visit @GraceChapelLF

Diary of a God Girl

I never thought of myself as a farm girl. A barn girl. I always longed for ocean waves crashing against my heart softening the ridges deep. The smell of the salt and the sand sticking on ocean dripping skin.  How peace ripples sacred into my spirit when I stare out into the vast unending of God. How the mountains crumble away in the small of me.

Lately, I long for a field. A field where the sun is hidden and the crop weeps for the water to grow them strong and tall. A field where the sky is set ablaze all orange and red before night falls and just before God turns on the moon to glow and the stars to twinkle over the lost and the lonely and the broken weak.

I long for a field.  God’s field.  

Matthew 9: 36,37 But when He saw the multitudes, He…

View original post 967 more words

Barn Doors

I never thought of myself as a farm girl, a barn girl. I always longed for ocean waves crashing against heart, softening ridges deep. The smell of salt and sand sticking on ocean dripping skin.  How peace ripples sacred into my spirit when I stare out into the vast unending of God. How mountains crumble away in the small of me.

Lately, I long for a field. A field where the sun is hidden and the crop weeps for the water to grow them strong and tall. A field where the sky is set ablaze all orange and red before night falls and just before God turns on the moon to glow and the stars to twinkle over the lost and the lonely and the broken weak.

I long for a field.  God’s field.  

Matthew 9: 36,37 But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few.”

Funny how God remembered the prayer of a little girl who only wanted to help people when she grew up.  And later in life, when that young girl first believed, how God kept safe her purest desire to help and now to lead people to the truth she found in Jesus.

I find myself in that little girl, still.  

Only God could have brought these scuffed up boots full circle from the backyard of my heart, through every thundering storm, to the very special barn doors of Grace Chapel in Leipers Fork, TN.   

9EeVNH

I’ll never forget that day in the Fall of 2013 when I kicked those barn doors open with these boots of mine and sat myself down in the middle of that glory place.  

I was a bit messy that day.  

First, I heard the guitars strum and the drums beat and then voices blared out songs with a servant’s heart about them.  And then the rising up from the cushions we all went, arms stretched wide past our doubt, hands reached high above our fear of letting go.  Faith lifted us toward the blessed hope of forgiving grace.

Our fingertips brushed soft against the hem of Jesus robe skimming heaven’s floor.  You could almost feel the swoosh, the restore.  

The blood sacred seeps into spirit pores.  The healing begins.  The happy follows.

And when I heard that Pastor preach the Word of God from that burnt barn wood up there, my heart leapt.  I felt a spirit limb snap back into place…, back into the vine.  I felt living water gush into me saturating the spirit drought.  

This guy’s good.

And when that service was over I marched these broken boots straight up to that burnt holy to tell him so.  

 boots

When that Pastor saw me from the corner of his eye eyeing my way over to him, I bet he thought, ‘Oh boy, what do we have here?’

I composed myself like sheep do when they come back into the fold.  Head down, heart up.  And I didn’t know I was out of the fold until that moment.  Not really.  

“What’s going on?” he asked.

Through tired tears and lips guilty trembling I said, “I’ve been looking all over this place for a church that preached the word of God uncompromised and I found it today. Thank you, I said, I found where I belong.”  

You see, God parted the red seats in that place so you and me could walk down that rug of tweed through our shame and our fear and our ugly into the promised land of prayer.

theredseats

From that day forward, every Sunday, I sit smack down on one of those red seats and I listen crazy hard to that barn preaching Pastor from that burnt pulpit God gave him.  

Steve Berger, that’s his name.

How God uses him to unwrap the gift of grace better than any gift on Christmas morning.

A gift for life.

And I gotta get this guy some knee pads for all the falling down and the preaching on the knees thing he does.  At least once every Sunday, down he goes preaching in prayer.  Compassion for Jesus oozes out of that guy.

And I wonder how many ripped knees his wife, Sarah, has had to stitch up through the years. 

God planted my heart inside those barn doors and today I pump a little louder.  A little stronger.  A little bolder.  

Mark 16:15 And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.”

And now, everyday I go out into the field God gave to me and I get to plowing, get to sowing.

Anywhere God takes me in a 24 hour day; work, home, the grocery store, the bank.  How my heart is moved with compassion and how I long to sprinkle God’s true light on the hurting, the wounded, the deceived.

John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.”

It’s all in the clinging to the vine.  The pruning of the branches dead.  The planting of the Truth seed in the good soil.  The watering and the growing up bold and strong and the going out into the field.  

We bend and we stretch and we grow in there.  

We’re ‘all in’ in there. 

God built that church with the passion He put in the people who serve in there.  He breathed His life into that church and now it’s alive and bursting wild open, blowing nails straight out of those truth filled barn walls, popping that weather-vane rooftop right off it’s glory grooves.  

weather vane gc

And I know God’s smiling down on that farm sprinkling His healing blood all over me and you and that Pastor too.

God gave me a serving church, a giving church, a church with a heart like my own.  Yeah, God made me to be a part of that church,  to labor in the field of that church and to continue what He began in me when I was just a little girl.  And so today, I go out into the field of this busted up earth ball and I stand tall and bold and brave smack in middle of the muddy lines of compromise and I share the Good News of the Gospel because Jesus is coming back soon and I have to get about my Father’s business!

GCEquip

“Equipping People to be Passionate Servants for Jesus Christ” that’s what they do in that place.

 

gcservicetimes

Capture And Share God’s World With Pictures

Capture And Share God’s World With Pictures.

Kick’en Faith

Leading Role: God

Supporting Role: Me

Me

I did it, Lord!  I’m finally free,

I got unstuck now look at me! 

One giant leap and here I am,

my days are sweet as jelly and jam!

God

My love, why did it take so long

for you to trust where you belong?

You hated where it was you were,

so tell Me love, what did you learn?

Me

When fire was burning around me, Lord,

I felt Your love surround me, Lord,

and I was too afraid to move

if You did not move with me too.

God

When you seek My will in all you do,

I always choose what best suits you.

Now tell Me more, I want to know

every little way, my love, you grow.

Me

I prayed and waited for You, my Lord,

to make a way through, my Lord.

You gave to me door after door

but none felt cozy in my core.

But when You gave to me one door

I turned the latch and wanted more.

God

And when you peeked inside that door

what did you feel deep in your core?

Me

I was so afraid to jump!

My knees they shook!

My throat it lumped!

God

And what was it inside your gutty gut

that plucked you from your rutty rut?

Me

One weary night I heard You say

I could not please You without faith.

And so I jumped into the sky

and kicked dumb fear slam out of sight!

God

Oh, my love, your faith has grown

in leaps and kicks and seeds you’ve sown.

The choice was always yours to make

sometimes you must step out in faith.

Me

What can I say as time goes by

my heart beats only for Your life.

And all I want to hear You say

is how well I kicked my boots today!

 Hebrews 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

Love Storm

A southern storm is moving in outside my window.  The sky purple and black hangs restless over these Tennessee hills and a staggering sadness fills the clouds and my brown eyes too.

My heart beats in minor key about to strum up some change in me, rain in me.  I say, “Go ahead, play your sad song and change me happy!  Let the tears precious fill to the rim and fall brave over the craggy rocks in me.  Just like those clouds getting ready to burst open and pound tons of spit on the drought down here, go ahead, RAIN, you looming clouds!  Let’em all wring out dry!”

I can swim.

Way up high, beyond the dark gloom the sun sits golden next to Dorothy’s rainbow.  That twister couldn’t scare her sun away.  The sun is always there above the clouds like God burning bright even if we can’t see it. 

No light switch can turn that power off.

And so, God, the Master puppeteer, gets to puppeteering those clouds, lining them up for the perfect storm in the earth of me and you.  Uncertainty takes center stage, chilling fear and tempting winds of rebellion take their mark.  Sun ball hides out in the wings waiting for its cue with all the birds and the blue sky and the buttercups and the rainbow too.

As for the leaves, orange and brown and yellow, life has come to an end.  They break off from their limbs and fall in soft circles like a swirling fire ready to be quenched.  Some land crisp on the dirt and crush under my boot and some land in my hands waiting for me to let them go.

I hold change in the palm of my hands.

I grip fast to the heart rope, one end tattered in my fist and the other end way up past the clouds, lassoed around the giant belly of the sun.  I swing back and forth from doubt to faith, fear to trust in between the circling leaves and the dying things in me.  The pumping of the blood breaks heart seams and self-made boundaries,  busting faith wide open for a bigger love.

Big Faith.

Break Thread.

Grow Heart.

Only God can stretch the boundaries of our faith with His love storm and break open the thread that stitches our hearts tight shut.

We all get lost in our swirling storms just like Dorothy did but God promises that He will be there before, during and after every storm.  The only place we will ever find peace in the cold of life is to keep our eyes on God and look inside the crevices of our hearts where God longs to live and breathe life and love into all things.  Jesus died so we could be found in Him.  Jesus is our only way our of every storm.

God is our best compass in our lost times.

Funny, the things we find in our own back yards, in the back of our own hearts.  We murmur under the willow weeping waiting for someone to find us, for God to hear our prayers.  And just when the sky turns so black inside , when we think we will never see the light of day, there it is.

The Light is in you and me.

I am grateful for the storm moving in and the sun getting ready to beam yellow.  I thank God for filling the rooftop of my heart heavy with debris.  How I need the rain for the loosening of the yuck, the scrapping away of the dinge in me.  

We all have dinge.

When we feel the change starting to move in all uncomfortable and strange, it’s gonna be ok, because even though everything changes around us there is One Light in us and above the clouds that will always shine.  The only thing in this busted world that will never change is God and the promise of hope through Jesus that was poured out on all of us on that day when His sky turned black with pain.  And when rain flooded the eyes of the faithful, God was up there puppeteering those clouds and His Son perfectly in place.  Yeah, God rose His Son up from that cross, and took all those splinters out of Him and now Jesus is the only One who can take all the splinters out of me and you. 

When the last thunder rolls, the still quiet sweeps love and hope and victory into our heart holes and a silver string wraps around each cloud like a gift from heaven.  The sun races to the stage and hits its mark high and bright, the birds go tweet and the bud that was reaching up for years finally opens and sips in the lingering drizzle, resurrecting life.  And the butterflies and the bees play see-saw on the petals pink and white and purple.

 

The Shoulder of God

The morning lifts it’s bright onto God’s shoulder and on the way up beams yellow streams through my window.  Mascara kissed lashes unstick themselves and I am nudged up and out from under the warm cotton.  The first of fall crisp sweeps through this place. The ticking clock tocks in a circle around my ever-changing heart. The next 24 hours of me.

The tooth-brush brushes and the spit spits into the sink and I look up into the mirror of me wiping the water and the stress away.  There has been stress.  And I say, you need some grace to do this day and a periodontist for the bloody gums.

I wonder what the day will bring?  What sorrow?  What challenge?  What hope?  There is always hope.  If there were no hope there would be no light and we would all shimmy away and die out dark.  Pluck the cross right out from the holy ground.

The coffee perks in the kitchen.  

Stay alert, I say to myself.  Alert to attend to the call, the mission.  Alert to follow in the steps stomped out for these busted up boots to walk in.

Stay open. Eyes wide looking for the empty, the lost, the lonely, the broken, the prideful, yes, they are the ‘know-it-alls’ the skeptics, the deceived.

Stay armed.   Don’t forget the breastplate and the shiny shield and the helmet for a hat and the double-edged sword that pokes truth smack in the center of the lie.

People can be mean, those unbelieversand they will pour salt in your wounds all the day long and this will make them feel good about themselves puffing up their chests at you.  But remember, ‘You are the salt of the earth…You are the light of the world.’ (Mat 5:13-14)  I think how wounded we all are and how in need of healing we all are.  How we need the pulling out of the roots rotten in us and the pouring in of the holy where the hurt runs deep.  

We all need the rescue, the rain, the resurrect.

I push the lever down for the toast and wait for the pop up.  I reach for the peanut butter.  My star charm loose on my wrist falls off.  

I flash back to the boy at the grocery store yesterday.  My eyes open when I saw him wearing a T-shirt with a pentagram on the back, an upside down star.   I walked slowly passed him reaching for the butter and the eggs and I know what I have to do.  I turn back around and have a cart to cart with him.   

“What does that word on the front of your T-shirt mean?”  I asked.

“I don’t know.  I have tried looking it up everywhere and I can’t find what it means.”

“Do you know what the upside down star means on the back?”

“No.  I just got it at a garage sale.”  

“It is a symbol of evil.  It is satanic.”  At this point he wants to continue the conversation.

“Oh, I didn’t know!” he said in shock.

I took his hand and I looked into his eyes and with conviction I said, “You do not belong to Satan.  You belong to God.  To Jesus.  Take that T-shirt off and don’t ever wear it again.  Burn it.  Throw it away.”  

He chuckled lightly agreeing as he strolled off on his way down the meat aisle.  That boy couldn’t get home fast enough.  

I grab a knife for the peanut butter.   

God, You are on Your way. I know.  And when I look out my kitchen window, as if over Your shoulder,  I see a strange glare, a veil amidst the trees, the forest, the pavement even.  I wonder does anyone else see what I see?  The evil?  Is everyone oblivious to what is going on out there like the boy who was oblivious to the symbol of Satan on his back.  Yes, evil is here.  I feel it in my spirit and it is working its way into our backyards like never before.  

Fast.

I want to climb on every roof top and shout, “Open your eyes!  I want to lay my belly down on the shingled edge and hang my lamp bright against their windows.  And I want to shake the sleeping houses up from their slumber.  I want to reach them but they don’t want to be reached.  I want to turn the latch open but their doors are locked tight.  

Finally, the pop up.   And the coffee perks into my cup full of morning swallowing warm down my throat distracting the chill.

I ask God to fill me with Him.  To the brim with Him.  Like the coffee that I drink into me.  Overflow me with You I ask.  Pour Your life into all my body wide.  Into the hurt places, the lonely places, the scared places, the teary places, the screaming places.  Push and pull the stubborn out.   Open my spirit big and bold and tickle my ear with unsearchable things I do not know.  Give me the wisdom you promise generously to those who ask for it.  Teach me more about Your unfailing love and kindness so I can teach others who have no heavenly clue who You are and the whole glory plan You have to redeem a brood like us.

Scoot me along.  Move me through the demands of the world and the bills and the debt that I can’t seem to crawl out from under.  But You can.  Yes, You can and even Dave Ramsey.  

I throw the breakfast dish in the sink the crumbs scatter soft.  The coffee cup spills cold down the drain.  Crumbled napkin on the counter.  Boots on and keys gripped.  I turn the latch of my front door leading out to the gray.  On tippy-toes I hop up and I ride on the shoulder of God.  Grace me, I say.  Grace me today up here holding fierce  to the thorns of You.  

Giddy up.

 

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: